


[untitled]

by LtTanyaBoone



Category: Cardinal (TV 2017), Pan Am
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, F/F, Family Dynamics, Gen, Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-23 10:48:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17682011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LtTanyaBoone/pseuds/LtTanyaBoone
Summary: The relationship between Lise Delorme and Colette Valois through the years.





	[untitled]

**Author's Note:**

> content warning/trigger warning for: homophobia
> 
> i received [a prompt from an anon](http://cometocourtyou.tumblr.com/post/170580489212) that connected colette valois from pan am and lise delorme from cardinal, by basically making lise colette’s niece, and i said i probably wouldn’t write anything about it bc i couldn’t see an angle from the prompt to have lise be LISE and then [@karinevanasse](https://tmblr.co/mOrLTuVtboQjI2wFFNlTkNQ) [replied to it](http://cometocourtyou.tumblr.com/post/170582586367) and something clicked, and this happened.
> 
> import from tumblr

 

She's four hours old when they meet for the very first time. 

Lise sighs and rubs her tiny hands over her eyes before she tries to open them. Manages, barely, and stares at the blury thing that's looming over her. It moves, comes down and she blinks, her little eyes focusing as a face forms from the blury mist that was there a moment ago.

She startles and flails and something touches her cheek. Something warm and soft and Lise feels better instantly. Puckers her lips and closes her eyes and relaxes back into sleep.

* * *

She's four weeks old when a sharp pain makes her cry out and burst into tears. It hurts, it hurts so much. Lise flails and wails, barely able to draw enough air into her little lungs as she screams and screams and still the pain won't stop, won't go away, no matter how much she cries. She's fed and bounced and has a dry diaper put on her, yet it still hurts, feels like she is being torn apart, so she keeps screaming.

The bouncing gets rougher, and she begins to cry again, for a different reason. And then the hold shifts, changes. There's a new smell as she is cradled close, something different. Not like Maman, not like milk and linen, and not like Papa, either, not like sawdust and aftershave. It feels a bit like Maman, but the smell of milk is absent. There's something else instead, something gentle, and Lise's head is carefully cradled as the person that holds her sways slightly.

There's singing, too. Maman sings, sometimes, when she's not too tired. Lise likes to hear it when she's tired, it makes falling asleep easier. Maman always sings the same song, over and over again. But this creature doesn't. She sings one song, and then another, and still Lise cries. And there's another song, and then another different one as well. Lise hadn't known there were so many songs, and it seems like there are more, because the melody this soft person is humming now is different again, and somehow, when she inhales, Lise shudders and forgets to cry out again. It still hurts, but being cradled like this, with her legs up between the two of them, it feels a little better. And maybe, Lise likes the songs, and maybe she wants to know how many there are, until this person begins repeating melodies as well.

* * *

She's four months old when her head hits the floor with a soft thud. Lise blinks and lifts her arms off the floor before pressing them down again.

Her head comes up and she blinks, looking at the woman lying in front of her. She's smiling, her white teeth showing. Lise likes that smile. Maman smiles like that, too, sometimes, but whenever this person does, her eyes go all strange. Papa has eyes like that, too.

"Lise."

She slaps her hands onto the blanket at the sound of her name. She knows this person said something else, but it's hard to work out what it was. It wasn't food. Lise understands that. Most of the time, at least.

There's a fuzzy green object in her sight. She pulls her head back a little, trying to get her eyes to focus. She has a book, Maman looks at it with her every night. She knows the word for this one, it's, it's, it's-

"Ball."

That's it! Ball, right, it's a ball. Lise lets out a shriek, showing she understands. Yes, it's a ball, this person's right.

The person laughs again and leans in, her long brown hair tickling Lise's nose as she feels a kiss being pressed to her forehead.

* * *

She's four years old when Auntie grabs her hand and yanks hard. Lise feels herself being jerked backwards and trips, and a scream tears from her throat when her arm explodes in pain a split second before her knee does as it hits the sidewalk.

She's picked up and her face showered in kisses as she cries and cries. Only when she begins to calm down does she realize that Auntie is crying, as well.

"Never run from me again," she tells her as she begins to wipe the tears from Lise's face. She's sat her down on a bench and then turns to inspect Lise's knee.

There'd been a doggie, she'd just wanted to go say hi. Maman always lets her, she just has to wait for permission to touch the doggies. Lise likes them. Kitties are mean, sometimes, but doggies never are. Maybe Auntie likes doggies, too. Maybe Lise should have told her, and asked her to come, too. She'd be upset, too, if Auntie had gone to pet the doggie without her-

A loud horn makes her jump and look up in fear, and a trolley goes by so fast Lise feels the wind on her face. Her eyes close, and when she opens them again, she finds Auntie looking at her with a strange expression.

"Sorry," she says. You're supposed to say sorry, when you've done something wrong. And Lise thinks she might have done something wrong. She isn't sure what it was, but Auntie's face softens a little, when Lise says sorry, so she must've been right.

"I love you," Auntie tells her, and strokes her cheek. She leans in and kisses Lise's forehead.

"Love you, too," Lise tells her and wraps her arms around Auntie's chest. At least she tries to. She can't quite manage to make her hands meet, but that's okay, because Auntie hugs her back still.

* * *

She's fourteen when she decides to find out what 'anything you want' really means. So she asks, if she can stay at Auntie Colette's for a week.

Papa furrows his brows and Maman sighs and shakes her head no. They say something about Auntie Colette being busy, about her having a lot of work to do. Lise wonders how they know, if they don't even ask her. Maybe Auntie Colette isn't working so much any more. Maybe, now that Lise has turned fourteen, she won't think her too much of a baby to be around any more.

She remembers, distantly, trips to the park, and the zoo. Remembers cotton candy and so many waffles they made her tummy hurt. Remembers, too, birthday presents and her Auntie wearing a party hat. Remembers cuddling up close as she read to her when they were tucked into a bed with very soft sheets. Remembers, too, how it all stopped, one day to the next. How Auntie Colette suddenly stopped having time for her, when she started her job in Toronto. Remembers the phone calls becoming less and less frequent, and no more cards for Lise, either.

Maybe Auntie Colette already told them she'd be busy, in case Lise asked. Maybe she really, really doesn't like her any more.

* * *

She's on her fourth semester at university, when she decides to just go and see where her aunt used to live. Lise only has an address from years and years ago, and Toronto is such a big, fast-paced city, she doesn't think she will find anyone at the old address.

As she approaches the house, a car pulls into the driveway, and Lise watches a redheaded woman getting out of it. Her heart sinks as the stranger goes to the back and retrieves a bag of groceries from the backseat, before she turns and locks her car and goes to almost bounce up the steps of the house.

Lise swallows and slows her pace considerably. Someone else is living at her aunt's old place, and now she made this journey for nothing. She could have spent the previous hour and a half in the library, studying, or working on her term paper. Now she'll have to spent just as much time getting back. Three hours down the drain, for nothing. Time Lise could've, should've really used for school work, and she could just kick herself-

Lise freezes in her steps when the door opens before the redhead can reach it, and there's a brunette in the doorway, smiling brightly. She hasn't seen her in years, but Lise immediately recognizes her aunt from the brilliance of her smile, and the bubbly energy radiating from her as she wraps her arms around the other woman in a tight hug.

Her heart is in her throat as Lise draws a shuddering breath. She's still here, her aunt still lives here. Apparently, she has a roommate, or a friend who's visiting, and Lise almost turned around and missed her and would've gone home without ever knowing-

The teenager's eyes widen in shock as she watches her aunt and the other woman kiss, a laugh drifting over to her before the two women return inside and the door closes, leaving her out in the cool autumn air.

* * *

She sends the fourth attempt she makes of a letter to her aunt. It's been a little over a month, since she saw her with that redheaded woman. Not that Lise mentions any of that. She just writes that she is studying in Toronto, and wanted to see if they could maybe, meet up? Assures her aunt that she has grown up quite a bit since they last saw each other, a little over ten years ago.

It takes three days, until her phone starts vibrating in her pocket in the middle of a lecture. There's an unkown number on the screen, and Lise dismisses the call before she returns her attention back to what the professor is saying. She needs a good grade for this exam, if she starts slacking, she won't manage that.

Half an hour later, it rings again. By then, the lecture is out, and Lise is on her way home. It's the same number as before, and she furrows her brows before she raises her phone and answers the call.

"This is Lise," she greets the person on the other end of the line, slightly out of breath as she hurries up the stairs to the bus stop. She misses this one, there'll be a twenty minute wait until the next that goes close to her apartment. She doesn't want to be out in the cold for that long, not after the long day she's already had.

"Lise?"

She freezes in her steps, tears welling up in her dark eyes as she immediately recognizes the voice carrying over the line. She's forgotten, forgotten how much she missed her aunt when she first faded from her life.

"Auntie," she mutters, and closes her eyes as her cheeks heat from embarrassment. She's no longer a child, she shouldn't use such childish words.

They talk for only a few minutes, but end by making plans to see each other the next week. To actually begin to catch up with each other.

* * *

At the fourth time she sees her aunt since they began reconnecting, Lise is in tears.

She has no idea how she even managed to make it to her house. It's all a big blur, the past few days. A blur of shame and hate and disgust, and she wants so badly to claw at her skin, wants to get out of it so much she doesn't trust herself any longer.

She isn't supposed to be like that. She's supposed to fall in love with a nice guy, a man who will treat her well, and get married and have two children, a boy and a girl, and life happily ever after.

And yet there is this gaping, aching hole inside her soul, and Lise wants to hit her head against the wall until her skull cracks and these thoughts will finally spill out from it, leaving her alone and in peace.

Colette doesn't say anything. She lets her cry and sob and scream. She just holds Lise. Hugs her and wraps her arms around her and holds her impossibly close, and after hours, Lise finally begins to calm down, pressed up so tightly against her aunt that she can no longer tell where she ends and Colette begins.

* * *

Lise slowly reaches out and shovels four spoonfuls of sugar into her coffee. She feels her eyes on her and tries very hard not to squirm under the redhead's gaze.

She recognized her almost instantly. Which seems strange, to Lise, but then the redhead points out that you don't really see a lot of young girls walk this neighborhood by themselves. So she'd seen her and it had been extraordinary enough for her aunt's --- to notice and remember.

She still can't quite believe it. That her aunt is living with another woman. Not as a room mate. But then again, Lise supposes that when they parted, she'd still been too young to really know her aunt, and it shouldn't be that much of a shock, really.

Lise doesn't for one moment doubt that it wasn't her aunt who cut off the contact. It's easy to believe that it had been her parents, her father, especially, that hadn't wanted Lise to be around her aunt any more, not with that recent, development.

Colette tries to explain how she'd still tried to be around. She'd called, she'd tried to set up playdates, and written cards and letters. Only after a while, the calls had gone unanswered, and the letters were returned, unopened.

The truth is, learning all this, it makes her even more terrified, of what her parents are going to do, when they find out. Lise knows they will find out, sooner or later. She cannot lie to them to save her life, her mother always knows when Lise is hiding something from her, and her father has an uncanny ability of figuring out what it is.

She supposes she should be thankful, that her particular brand of sin comes in a mild form. She won't have to give up on finding someone altogether, at least. Lise knows she can fall in love with boys, with men. It just takes longer, is more work. But if she just tries hard enough, she will manage. She'll find someone she can introduce to her parents, in the end.

When she says that, there is a flash of pain in her aunt's eyes, a look of such pity that Lise has to look away because she can't stand to see it.

* * *

She's blushing to the roots of her hair and reaches out to down the shot sitting in front of her. Immediately, Lise grabs the bottle and fills the tiny glass again. There's not enough alcohol in the world to shut up her brain, but damn is she going to keep trying.

It had felt so good. So unexpectly incredible. She's never done anything like it before, and that she has now, it had been on a stupid, reckless dare, and Lise could just kick herself for it.

Before she can take the shot glass, her aunt grabs it and downs the content, shuddering slightly.

"The first girl I ever kissed," she starts, her French accent still there, even after two decades of living in Canada, "was during a layover in Barcelona."

Lise blinks, only then remembering that her aunt used to be a stewardess. She forgets that, sometimes. It's how the two of them met, her aunt and her wife. They worked on the same crew in the summer of 1963. By the end of that year, her aunt had found out about her brother, Lise's father existing. It's so strange, to Lise, to think that her father was born in France, and that the only reason he came to Quebec was because of her grandfather reading about job opportunities there.

Her aunt must have been her age, when she first kissed another woman. Lise wonders if it was the same for her, but quickly dismisses that thought. If the snippets she's caught are anything to go by, her aunt had it a lot harder. A woman like her aunt, who is so beautiful, so confident in herself and comfortable in her sexuality, she would have had a lot to go up against, in the sixties. Never mind that Colette found herself equally attracted to men and women. She's hinted at women before her wife, in the past, but told Lise she'd always kept that part very quiet, very private. Her brief affairs and dailiances with men, her longer relationships with them, that she rarely worried about. But when someone found out about Colette having been, or being, with another woman, there was the danger of real consequences having to be paid, and so she'd never brought it up. Not because she'd been ashamed of it, herself, but because she'd understood how the world worked and what might happen, if other people caught wind of it.

The world has changed, though. But Lise fears that it hasn't been enough. Not enough for her own parents, even.

She hasn't told them, yet. About being attracted, to other women. They know she is talking to her aunt again. Lise makes a point of reminding her father, every once in a while, that he has a sister. She knows he knows that she's figured out who was really to blame, for Colette suddenly disappearing from Lise's life when she'd been a child. He hasn't acknowledged it, or apologized for it, though, and Lise isn't certain of how much longer she will be able to stand him pretending he hasn't done anything wrong.

The thing is, her parents probably think they protected her. But the truth is that they did more harm than anything. Lise needed her aunt. Needed her in a way her parents cannot understand, not just yet. But she would have benefited so much from her presence, from having someone in her life who was in a healthy, happy relationship with someone of the same gender.

They took that from her. They took the ability to see people like herself represented in her life from her, and Lise isn't sure if she can ever forgive them for that and for the damage it has done to her.

* * *

Slowly, they get their 'playdates' back. Lise makes a point to meet her aunt for brunch or dinner at least once every other week. Whenever her job gets in the way, she calls to let her know and immediately sets up another meeting.

It's good, for her, she discovers. To be with Colette, to hear all the stories she has to share. About the past, the life of a stewardess in the sixties. About France, as it was back then. About the world in general. It reminds Lise of how much has changed. Back then, she never could have dreamed of having the job she has now. She has to many opportunities, so many choices, given to her by people like her aunt and her wife, who fought and fought so tirelessly, in their own ways, for freedom for other women.

Kate joins them sometimes. Other times, it just the two of them, just Colette and Lise. At first, Lise dreaded when Kate came along, but now she is looking forward to even that. She likes her aunt's wife. Likes the way she doesn't back down, likes the way she looks at Colette, likes the way she will laugh at a joke with her green eyes twinkling.

The very first person from her family she introduces Alice to is Colette. She asks her aunt if she'd mind if she brought someone along, for dinner, and Colette seems surprised but utterly delighted. A delight that grows seemingly exponentially when Lise stutters her way through an introduction that has her referring to Alice as her girlfriend. Colette claps her hands and hugs her tightly and kisses her forehead, just like she did all those years ago. She tells her she's proud of her, is so, so happy for her, before enveloping a rather stunned Alice into a hug as well.

When they break up five months later, Lise feels bad, because her aunt had seemed to like Alice so much, but to her surprise, Colette shrugs and tells her that sometimes, it's not meant to be. And Lise realizes that her aunt's joy hadn't been because of Alice as a person, but what she represented: Lise being comfortable enough with herself and her sexuality to share the knowledge of a romantic relationship with someone else she trusts.

* * *

She's worried, about what John is going to say, once he finds out.

She realizes that most people don't think of bisexuality as an option, not really. For most of the world, sexuality is clearly divided down a line, being straight on one side, and being gay on the other. Lise can count on one hand the number of people who have never reacted awkwardly when she'd told them, about being bisexual.

She's well aware of Cardinal, as well as most of the Algonquin Bay police, thinking of her as straight. They've only ever seen her with men, if they are aware of her dating life at all.

She requests a private meeting with Dyson after the fourth date. By then, she's pretty sure that the rumor mill is buzzing, since she's shown up twice in 'going out clothes' to a scene.

Funnily enough, John pulls her aside after an interview. She looks up at him, tries to scrutinize his face.

"I understand that it's your personal life," he begins, and Lise feels her heart beginning to sink. He's going to give her The Speech. About not letting her private life interfere with her job, about being ready to be called in at any moment. A sharp reminder, that she's no longer working Financial, that this is different, and it will require her attention at all times, and if she can't-

"What?" she breathes when his words register. Cardinal leans back slightly as he searches her face.

"You didn't know?" he asks her and Lise shifts as she crosses her arms. She swallows and then slowly shakes her head.

"No," she tells him and steps away. Slowly walks down the narrow hallway into their office and over to her desk. Hits the button on her extension to pull up any missed calls, but there aren't any. Her parents never called her line, never tried to talk to her since she spoke to them after the third date, weeks and weeks ago.

"What did they say to you?" she asks, keeping her eyes on her phone. Cardinal steps up to his own desk and picks up a note, holding it out to her. Lise hesitates, before she reaches out and carefully takes it.

"Just to tell you to call them back," her partner tells her. It's also all the note says. "They called twice," he adds and Lise closes her eyes for a moment before she balls up her hand and crushes the note. Balls it up and then throws it into the bin beneath her desk as she slides into her chair. She doesn't miss how Cardinal remains standing for a moment longer, watching her.

"It's none of my business," he begins and Lise gives a sharp shake of her head.

"You're right, it's not," she informs him, her voice cutting with an anger that is not directed at him. She busies herself with pulling over the file of a suspect and reading over details she is already more than a little familiar with, because she doesn't trust herself to do anything else. Her vision is blurry from the tears burning in her eyes, anger and humiliation coursing through her.

She's pretty sure Cardinal notices how ragged her breathing is for the next ten minutes, before Lise really calms down. Before she trusts herself enough to go for a short break, to be able to excuse herself without having him follow her. She takes her cell phone and steps outside the building, the crisp spring air more than welcome as it makes her face sting a little.

Ellie texted her, twice. Once with the picture of her cat lounging on the bed, on what Lise recognizes as the oversized shirt she wore when she stayed over the night before last. The second one is a simple 'Hope work isn't too bad today. Call me when you get off. Miss you' sort of thing. Lise feels her lips tug into a smile when she reads the words, her heartache dulled by the gentle reassurance in those few lines.

Her thumb swipes over her display and pulls up her contacts and then she quickly selects the number. Waits as the phone rings and frowns when it goes unanswered for seven rings. She's just about to hang up, when finally-

"Âllo?"

"Salut," Lise greets her aunt, ducking her head a little as she steps away from the entrance, so that her passing colleagues won't be able to overhear. It's just a short conversation, just Lise telling her she needed to hear her voice, and asking if she could come by, sometime soon? Because there's someone she'd like Colette to meet, someone she's told so much about her aunt.

* * *

Her parents adored Josh. It's something Lise is still just the tiniest bit angry about, how her mother kept pestering her about her ex and urging her to fix things with him when their marriage first fell apart.

Her father does not talk to Ellie, at all. He completely ignores her, doesn't look at her, doesn't talk to her, or even about her. When Lise tries to talk about her, he changes the topic.

Her mother isn't much better. She gives Ellie a sympathetic look, but then shakes her head and tells Lise it would be better if the two of them left.

Colette, she hugs Ellie the very first time she meets her. She smiles at her and remembers her name correctly from the first time Lise ever mentioned the other woman. She looks at her when Ellie speaks and asks her questions about herself, engages her in conversation and makes sure that she speaks English, until Ellie tells her she speaks French and will be able to follow, if they slow down a little.

Lise trusts her aunt. Trusts that coming to Toronto was the right choice, and that Colette will be able to repair a small bit of the damage Lise's parents have done, to Ellie's confidence. Lise likes her, she knows she falling in love with her, knows she wants a relationship with her more than anything else right now (aside maybe from Cardinal's approval, but those things are not mutually exclusive). She doesn't want her parents' reaction to ruin what the two of them are building between them, but she knows that Ellie took a big hit, and that since that horrible attempt at an introduction, the other woman has been doubting if this is the right thing, to start something with Lise when it's so obvious her parents won't stand for it.

She's getting a fresh pitcher of iced tea in the kitchen when Kate intercepts her. Bumps her shoulder against Lise's gently.

"I know it is hard," she tells her, and Lise startles a little at the strange accent the other woman has. She remembers an American lilt to her English, and there is an accent when Kate speaks French, but now, her English sounds accented as well. Too many years spent speaking French almost exclusively, Lise thinks, and cannot help a little smile, before she sobers.

"My own parents... My mother has not spoken to me, since I moved to Canada," the redhead tells her, and the Canadian feels herself recoil slightly. "Not even when my father passed away. I tried, reconnecting, before she died, but..." Kate trails off with a shake of her head. Lise inclines her head, worries at her bottom lip, wondering, suddenly. Could she be that strong? Could she do this, walk out of her parents' life, forever? Not seeing them, not talking to them, because of a relationship?

"I know it wasn't easy, for Colette, to watch that happen," Kate continues, frowning a little. "And I know she wanted to break up a few times because of that."

Lise shifts and sets the pitcher back down, turning to her aunt's wife.

"How did you convince her not to?"

Kate shrugs.

"I didn't," she admits. "We did break up, twice, actually, after I came here," she tells Lise, and the brunette is shocked. This is the first she's ever heard of it.

"But I stayed. I stayed here, and I made sure that Colette knew that given the choice, I'd pick her, over and over and over again," the older woman explains. There's a lot of gray now, in her previously bright red hair. Lise kind of misses it, it had been such a lovely sight, but she thinks that Kate has aged with a strange air of dignity, and she likes that.

"So you're saying, make sure she knows I chose her," she sums up. The American's eyes twinkle as she inclines her head.

"For what it is worth," she tells her as Lise picks up the pitcher again, "I do think you two make a very cute couple. And there's little chance of her sprouting this hideous thing Josh called a beard," she quips and Lise cannot help but laugh at the comment.

_fin._


End file.
